19/01/2009

I don't know what to write actually, because I don't know what to think, I don't know what to feel, I don't know what is the right thing to do.

Since his departure, I've been living in a daze, days passed without me knowing it. Looking back now, I realised that he has left me for quite some time already, but it still feels like yesterday, when he took my hands and we walked along the beach, feeling so happy.

I'm not forcing myself to forget him, I'm not forcing myself to think about anything. I just hope that it will go away by itself, because I don't really want to face it and feel the pain. I realised that by living my own life now, days and months can pass without me knowing it and when I slow down my life I will realise that he is history.

I still miss him

I always make myself sad by listening to songs which relate to my own love life, I never listen to happy songs when I'm sad, so I get sadder and cry harder, what a good strategy.

I have one big folder of pictures of him in my laptop, with his name as the folder's name. Whenever I open my pictures folder, I can easily see his name, and my heart will stop for a second or two. In my private folder, I have one folder with his other name on it, and it makes me sad looking at it too. It's his name which reminds me of him, reminds me that I no longer have to add anything into those folders, I no longer have the chance to add anything into those folders. I've thought of deleting everything about him in my laptop, but I just can't, I don't want to part with all the memories.

When I miss him, I look at all the pictures, to remind me of how happy we were, I know I'm adding salt to the wounds, but I'm just like that. Sometimes, looking at all the pictures, I feel blessed that he had once been mine, even for a short time, pictures prove that he exists in this world, that he's not just an imagination I created.

"It's All Coming Back To Me" by Celine Dion has been my all time favourite, no matter I'm sad or happy, this song brings a taste of sorrow and pain. I just love this song, although it makes me cry harder when I'm sad, and it makes me want to feel love when I'm not sad.

I know time heals, but it's the transition period which is suffering, which is bringing such pain and sorrow words can't describe. I'm feeling better now, less tears, less pain, and my heart doesn't ache that easily anymore.

Once in a while, one of his pictures, his name, or his shirt brings me to tears, but I think I'm fine.

The rest of my life

London is so cold now, I think it's colder than last year.

We went to the park this afternoon, walked around and enjoyed the freedom. All his meetings were over, so he has more time to accompany me now. There were a lot of people in the park, some of them were jogging, some couples were spending time with their kids, some just lying on the grass, despite the weather. We walked aimlessly around, holding each other, and talked endlessly about anything that came to our mind.

We went to Selfridges after that, shopped until closing time. I bought a lot of things, although I've been there four times this week, while he was having his meetings. He never complains about my shopping habits, he knows he can't change that, and he knows a part of my happiness comes from shopping, most part actually.

It's a plus when he's paying, but I love using my own money, because I don't want him to have the impression that I'm a kept woman. Of course I don't mind if he wants to buy me gifts and all, but I refuse to let him pay for everything while I'm shopping, it just feels a bit wrong. Besides, all his gifts are expensive enough to last me a lifetime if I exchange them for cash. Of course I won't do that, but, you know.

This afternoon while we were talking, he asked me whether I have doubts about this relationship, partly because of the age difference. I said no.

I don't mind the age difference actually, but sometimes I do have doubts, whether it's going to be problem-free. I'm in my twenties now, and he's 40. Although he doesn't look a bit like 40, he's still 40, and I'm still so much younger. What if he dies at an early age, say, 55? I'm going to be a widow at an early age, assume we marry each other, and isn't it sad? What if we have children, am I going to be alone for the rest of my life, taking care of our children without him by my side loving me and supporting me? I know I'm thinking too much, but sometimes I can't stop wondering.

The plus side of dating him is I get to be the youngest and prettiest in the crowd whenever we go out, because his friends are all around 40, and their partners are mostly around that age too, so I'm usually the youngest among the crowd. He feels proud introducing me, and I feel younger being introduced.

Being with him makes me feel safe and secure, I can always be sure that I have someone to look after me, someone who is mature and full of life experiences to take care of things for me, without me having to crack my brain to figure out how. He teaches me a lot of things, and he shows me how to enjoy life more than I know how to, he just never fails to amaze me.

I know that I will definitely want to spend the rest of my life with him, if he asks me to.

10/01/2009

Jack was as charming as ever tonight, one would throw a second glance his way whenever he walked by. He brought his new girlfriend along, the moment I saw her I couldn't stop estimating how long this relationship would last. Jack is my bestest friend, we're like soulmates, we just know each other.

I was Z's partner as usual, him being the host tonight. A lot of his clients and friends were present, so he needed to entertain them one by one. That was fine for me, as I know most of them, I could talk to anyone, and I had Jack and his girlfriend, so I wouldn't have problems keeping myself occupied.

"So, what's not new tonight?" Jack asked me the moment he sat down next to me, making himself comfortable.

"A lot, actually. I've used this clutch for the third time, I've worn these earrings to your birthday party last month, not to mention the high heels too, and of course, my ring is not new."

Eyeing my emerald cut diamond ring, he asked me whether I wanted a replacement.

"Of course not!!! I wouldn't trade a thing for this, you know Z gave me this, right? I wouldn't trade a thing for him, and you know that."

"I know. I just love seeing you being so happy, you haven't been this happy in years."

He was right, Z brought so much happiness to me, I'm loved and cared for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, what more can a girl wish for?

"Stop thinking about that asshole, please!!!" Jack was hissing at me.

"What!?!?"

"I know you're thinking about that stupid Kevin who left you for god-knows-what, can you stop thinking about him and MOVE ON?" Jack sighed. "Turn to your right, you are blessed baby."

I turned my head, and saw Z smiling at me.

Manipulation

I know she misinterpreted certain things, and I know he told a lot of lies, but I can't do a thing to change any of that, I'm not in a good position to.

She trusted him with her life, and I know she still trusts him now, no matter how many times he lied to her. He lied to her so many times in the past, I've witnessed that, and I know he's making up some stories now, about me. I don't blame her for hating me, she trusts him, not me, there's nothing I can do to change her mind.

I thought about the things they said, although they make me said. I can't stop what is happening, and I can't erase the past. Sometimes I hope she forgives me, sometimes I hate her so much I feel like puking whenever I think about her, sometimes I hate myself for being so naive.

I don't know whether I was at fault, and I don't know whether she was, I just know that he was definitely at fault. I know that I had indirectly caused her some troubles and pain, that was why I asked her to forgive me. But sometimes I doubt all that, and the things she said to me were hurtful, I just can't stand her attitude, and I feel like killing her. There was a period of time when I just couldn't think about her, every thought of her made me sick, and I felt so sick my heart was in pain, I just couldn't have one thought of her.

I know it's unfair to put all the blame on her, when he's such a good liar. She loved him so much in the past, and she still loves him now, I know that. Everything that he did to her, and me, are beyond words.

We are just two really different girls who fell for the same guy, who manipulated every single thing and caused us so much sadness and pain, yet he's the only one who is unaffected and living a happy life now.

Love is blind

I keep thinking about what he is thinking, what he is feeling, and what is going on with his life.

Sometimes, when I'm bored, or when I'm feeling sad, I still wonder why everything ended the way it did. It's not a strange feeling anymore, I've gotten used to it now. I've been thinking about it so many times I don't feel pain anymore, I just feel curious. I know, I should've asked him, but I didn't have the courage. Weeks and months passed by, eventually I felt strange to ask him about the break up, and now I'm left with unanswered questions.

The relationship with him was different from any others that I've experienced, it was not what I've gone through before. We did a lot of things that I didn't do with others, we went to places I never thought I would in my wildest dreams, he changed me so much I never thought I could be that someone. There were so many first-times with him that I can't seem to forget now, and I keep thinking about what might have been.

It's easier to not think about him when I'm busy, when I have things to occupy my mind, but when I'm alone, or having too much to drink, or when I see others lovingly coupled, I can't stop thinking about all the good times we shared. Although he did bring me sadness and pain while we were together, all I manage to think about now are those happy and exciting times we had, those wonderful and romantic moments we shared.

All the words he said to me, all the promises he made to me, I still remember them clearly. I wouldn't trade a thing for the memories, I wouldn't trade a thing for him. Deep down I know that we won't have a chance anymore, but I still hope for miracles sometimes. Although I know that he is nothing but a selfish asshole, I still wish to live my life with him.

Love is blind, no?

04/01/2009

My friend was complaining about how her boyfriend never bothers reading her blog, and doesn't care about what she's writing in her blog. She asked me whether my other half cares about my blog.

Actually Z doesn't know that I have this blog, and I don't mind. I think it's better, because I can write just about anything here without having to worry about the consequences. I don't think letting him know everything is a good thing, and I know that by letting him read this blog, I won't have the freedom to write anything and everything that I'm feeling anymore, because I will start thinking about how to please him, instead of how I'm actually feeling.

My other friend was complaining about how she can't date other guys anymore now that her boyfriend changed her status in Facebook to "in a relationship". She told me she wanted to remain "single" so that guys have the impression that she is single and is available for dates. I remember myself doing that in the past, not that I wanted more dates, but because I hope guys who were interested wouldn't feel rejected straight away when they saw the status.

I don't do that anymore, my status is "in a relationship" now, because I really am, and I'm happily in love, I don't need further distractions, and because I know that this relationship is good enough to stop me from searching for better guys, if there are any.

Blinded by love

I was blinded by love, and I still am, sometimes.

There were so many things about him that I hated, but I was always willing to look over the flaws, I was willing to pretend that everything was perfect.

I hated his silence, I hated the fact that he didn't care too much about me, and I hated him for being a workaholic. I hated his attitude, I hated his ego, his pride and his selfishness. I hated him for being too self-obssessed, for being cruel, and him taking me for granted.

I was giving him excuses, I was giving myself excuses. I kept telling myself that as long as I could see him, as long as I could spend time with him every single day, as long as I had him, I was willing to tolerate, I was willing to give in. I told myself that as long as I loved him, as long as he loved me, I was willing to change, I was willing to be the person he wanted, and I was willing to cope with everything that was thrown in my way.

I know I was stupid.

And blind.

Now that I think about it, I know I was wrong about the whole thing, I know I was blinded by love and I know I loved him much more than I loved myself. I'd changed into someone I didn't recognise, I'd changed so much just because I loved him. I know I shouldn't have, but whenever I think about him now, whenever I miss him greatly, I still think about how I'm willing to forgive him as long as he comes back to me.

I know I shouldn't be thinking about him at all now, I know I should really move on, but I can't deny that I still miss him.

Maybe I'm not missing him as a person, but I'm missing the times we spent, the memories we created, the life we should have been living now.

Birthday

"They always say, someone as old as me doesn't know what is the definition of romance, and I admit, I'm not a really romantic guy, and mind you, I'm already 40, how romantic do you expect me to be? So I guess I have the right to not be romantic, right?"

Everyone laughed.

"But, you see, I fell in love with this gorgeous young lady, and she's young and, just so you know, competitions are all around me, by right I must do something, right? Anyway, I know we were supposed to start the lucky draw session, but that's precisely why I've decided to say this now, because everyone is present during sessions like these."

Everyone laughed again.

"You see, I've decided that I like her when I first met her, because she's just so adorable, and the more we talked, the more interested I became. She's funny and charming in her own way, she's caring and she's smart. She's a workaholic, she demands precisions and perfections, but she's not boring because she's down-to-earth and she leads another kind of life after working hours. She's a shopaholic and she's just another girl next door who you want to date. We can talk just about anything on earth, and beyond the earth, she makes me feel young and she respects me and my work. She understands me like no one else does and most importantly, I feel comfortable just being with her."

Silence.

"Baby, I don't know how romantic I need to be, but I hope I make your day today. Happy birthday."

He walked towards me and kissed me on my forehead. The ballroom was filled with a thunderous applause, everyone was looking at us, looking at who the lucky girl was, and most importantly, they were surprised that he's actually attached, he was one of the most eligible bachelors anyway. I was so touched I could feel tears streaming down my cheeks.

It was his company's annual dinner, I went as his partner, and I definitely didn't expect this to happen, as my birthday was a few days later. He wiped away my tears and whispered "I love you" in my ear. He handed me a blue velvet box, which contained a diamond bracelet which I've told him I like the week before. He removed the bracelet I was wearing and replaced it with the new one, while I was shaking all over, overwhelmed by the whole thing.

The party continued with the lucky draw session, and everyone was in a cheerful mode. Jack eyed my new diamond bracelet and laughed at me. "So you knew!!!" He nodded and told me Z planned this a few days ago. "You should've told me, so I could wear nicer, right?" I was still shaky and was trying to recover from the shock I had. "You look perfectly fine, besides, you're the most attractive lady tonight, what else do you want?" He was right, I was.

30/12/2008

"Why did you change your mind?"

"Are you suggesting I shouldn't?"

"Of course not!"

"So?"

"Just wondering... I thought you have doubts?"

"I did, but not anymore."

"Mind to explain further?"

"I thought guys hate talks, especially about relationships. Are you sure you want to talk about it?"

"Baby..."

"I've realised that by thinking about a past which doesn't do me any good is suffocating, I'm living under assumptions, I'm living in a lie, I've told myself that I don't believe in love anymore, I've told myself that I don't want to fall in love anymore, but the truth is I still believe in love, the truth is I still feel love. Why should I dread about the past when I have all the future in my hands, why should I live in denial and reject all kinds of love just because he rejected mine? He doesn't deserve me, does he? So why must I be the one who's suffering when he has moved forward long long time ago? I'm being loved, being cared for, much much more than I received in the past, and I'm so much happier now, don't you at least deserve a chance? You've given me everything I've always wanted, you've accepted me for who I really am, I'm loving everything I have now, and I actually do love you, in case you didn't know. You are the one who promised me the world, are you trying to tell me you want the world back?"

He laughed, and said "I love you".